You Are Not the Choice - Part 3 - Separation

It’s weird how your mindset can change. We went from asking questions about how long we would have her to whether we would change her name and her relationship with her birth siblings. The .26 hearing was scheduled for July and after that it would be a formality. We would wait out the appeals and be on our way to be a family of 5 (actually six as Staci was now pregnant and due in October). A .26 hearing is the termination of parental rights, but they don’t terminate rights unless there’s a plan on place for parents. At the hearing I saw grandma with her daughter and mother, but no mom. Dad had long been MIA, and I found out that he had been in an accident. We all sat together cordially and entered the courtroom together. The judge announced that the case would be continued as the mom would be given transportation to the next hearing. It was interesting. This was her fifth child being taken away.

The next hearing was scheduled for 90 days later, September 20^th. This hearing had a different feeling. Grandma, grandpa, and dad were there (The Lord has spoken to him and that's amazing). They continued the case one more time so everyone could get their paperwork right. Also, grandma brought a lawyer to file a 388 (this is to give parental control to family). They continued the case to October 1^st.

Staci went to the October 1^st hearing. I need to save my time for the upcoming baby after all. We had changed our prayers to J staying with us (which seemed obvious) to God’s will. It was a hard prayer to pray. Each night before the court cases I spent as much time as I could with her. She was my other little buddy. 

That court case was an actual hearing. Grandma, grandpa, mom(!), and dad all showed up. Staci was the one who went since I had work and we wanted to save my time for the baby. I will admit I had a funny feeling as we got closer. Why did the court case keep getting continued? Why did dad all of a sudden show up? Why did grandma get a lawyer? The morning began with grandma testifying and her saying some things that we felt were untrue and unflattering towards us. If grandma had been in the picture from day 1 we would have never been in the picture. We would have never been the prospective adoptive parents. Our hearts probably would have realized that every moment was temporary. Court was given a recess at 12:30 until 1:30 when the adoption worker could get there. Staci felt alone, as anyone should with nobody being there to support her. At around 2:30 I started to receive the following texts:

How? How?! HOW?!?!?! This girl bonded to us. She IS our daughter. She is our children's sister. How could God tell us "no"? 

As a husband I felt bad because I couldn't be there with my wife. I couldn't comfort her. I had to go start cross country practice. I didn't really process it on the way home. I went through anger (more cuss words than you know), sadness when I saw J, excitement to see the kids. I slept until about 1 am that night and when I woke up, cried, grieved, and did everything I could. I wound up going back to sleep for about an hour. The next day I had to work and I told our son. He was sad and even asked when she was going to live with her grandma. I don't know how you process those things when you're four, but he has to go through it. I read my Bible and I prayed, but I will admit that I my heart wasn't there. My heart was still frustrated. There was one thing I felt, the transition must happen sooner. 

Staci is due on October 15th. We're a few days away from that. The adoption worker wanted to make a two week transition, but there's one thing that might be selfish of us. We want to have more joy for our new baby than grief for the loss of J. It's like someone died, but I'm watching that person die and not able to tell my heart to stop or that they're going to a "better place." 

So here we are, the transition has happened. Last Wednesday was our last night. I dropped her off last Thursday and she looked at me stoically. I cried, but soon her time with us will be a memory. A happy one though. Dealing with being told that we're not the one when we most definitely felt like we were the one is hard. I've been angry with God, I've been sad, I've felt every emotion. However, God has given us so much that I shouldn't be mad. It's a natural human reaction though. A lot of people told us that they don't want to foster, because they will get attached, but why? We were able to provide this little girl a great Christ centered home throughout these last nine months. Why wouldn't you want to get attached? The foster system is filled with people who don't get attached and those children get neglected. 

What's next? We are praying (and ask that you pray) for us to receive our new baby with joy. Pray that God replaces our grief with joy. Pray for us to be forgiving towards grandma and joyful that J gets to be with her brothers and sisters.  Pray for our kids as they heal and recover from the wound. Pray for me and Staci as we recover from this wound. Pray that we won't seek "fairness". Pray that we would keep our hearts open to foster and adoption. 

You Are Not the Choice - Part 2 - Placement

We received a wonderful and beautiful little girl. She actually looked a little more like me because of her complexion than our biological children. I was in love and cried almost as hard as she did when I first grabbed her. My mind raced with questions, "Why were you taken?" "Have you been held?" "What happened?" I finally calmed myself down and as we went home, I knew that our lives wouldn't be the same. 

The first month mom had a visit. We were both there and it was interesting. She clearly loved her daughter. In May grandma was in the picture. She was getting supervised visits. I instantly thought that our plan was derailed; the state loves reunifying children with their families. Why not? That’s their family. I was so sad and emotional that I backed into our garage door (goodbye $100!). I went to the meeting and she was normal. I asked questions and she told me that she prayed about J and said that she was going to try for it. I knew that this could be the end and started preparing my heart just a little bit for a change. J was in our lives for 5 months at this point and the kids had grown to love her. She was their sister. She was growing. She was starting to do all the things that babies do when they get older. I didn’t know how the love for her would come on, but man it was love at first sight for her and now it felt like she was going to be placed with grandma. We understood that came with the territory, but sometimes a visit can change your perspective.

We went through a fantastic and wonderful agency that helped us every step of the way. Each week we had a visit with our case worker. We also had a monthly visit from a worker in the county where we live. Every month they would stop by, but we had a different visitor from the county in June. This social worker was an adoption worker and she asked Staci a question that threw us for a loop, “How does it feel to be adopting her?”

You Are Not The Choice - Part 1 - Out of Our Comfort Zone

That’s a painful thing to hear. We grow up wanting to be chosen for different aspects of life. We want to be chosen for a team, play, job, spouse, etc. However, as we grow up being told that you’re not the choice is harder. You begin going after things you really want. A little over two years ago I applied for a job that I didn’t get, and it put me in a depressed mood. Eventually I learned that wasn’t God’s will for me and it took me to a district that I didn’t think I had a chance at nor did I want to be there. It turned out to be a great career move for me.

There’s a little thing in there that’s hard for me and that’s God’s will. I always hope that God’s will is going to be something that goes in my favor and truthfully I mainly prayed for my will over His, but something changed. Two years ago I signed my family up to be foster parents, not only foster parents but foster-to-adopt. We had always talked about it, but I finally filled out the application and threw ourselves in. I kept thinking, “If God doesn’t want us to foster or adopt, we won’t receive a call.” We took almost six months to finish the application process, whether it was CPR classes, background checks, livescans (I had to pay for and do two); we just took a long time. We were finally certified in October of 2017, about six months after we started the process.

We saw friends get placements rather quickly, and we were excited for them. However, we kept wondering why we hadn’t been picked? Then, we finally got a call, a sibling set, but they would have to get special permission because we had two children three and under. We were denied, and it stung, but then we got another call. We were placed with a four month old girl who is amazing. She had one visit about a month later with her and then that was it. We didn’t hear from the mom, we heard something about the grandmother, and we didn’t hear from the father. Our hope and goal was to foster to adopt, and it seemed like we were on track. Then we got another call. It was mid-December 2016.  

Why Men Should Serve in Children's/Youth Ministry

When I first started thinking about this post, I was going to title it, "Why Men Don't Serve in Ministry". Then I began to realize how negative that sounded and also realized I could create a two part blog for this and double my views to ten!
I thought about this on my first Sunday morning serving back at my home church. I took a 6 week break from serving when our son was born and it was time to come back. You see I get the chance to participate in a few ministries. I lead a high school boys small group and a fifth and sixth grade small group. Both groups are equally crazy, but for different reasons. I thought of this because of my own frustrations with men in the church. The thoughts of why they don't serve and  why they aren't in children's ministries ran rampant throughout my head.
However, that attitude didn't serve me well and thankfully God changed my attitude so that I could have a good time with my boys. I'm glad I did, but why shouldn't others serve alongside me?
Guys, these boys are going to have a leader who shows them how to live regardless. Wouldn't you rather have the boys with a leader like the author of Hebrews 13:7 writes about?
"Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate  your faith."

#1 - You're serving your Father -
In the early church I doubt that there was ministry like this with sectioned off children's programs, high school ministries, young adult ministries, regular adult ministries, empty nest ministries, left handed ministries, etc. However, God wants us to use his spiritual gifts serving him. What do you think Jesus came down here for in the first place? Matthew 20:28 tells us this, just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." 
Find what your gifts are and serve Him to bring glory to Him. Don't use the cop out of, "I'm strong I can move things." Lead.

#2 - You're a leader - 
Are you a male? Yeah, well then you're a leader. You're leading your family and they see that and they love you. Not everyone is blessed to have someone like you as their spiritual leader. I see a lot of boys whose fathers are either not in their lives, Christmas and Easter attenders, or something else. Did you not have that man in your life and wish you had it? Good, go be that man for someone else. Lead them. Boys don't begin to need a strong male Christian in their lives when they reach high school; it starts now.

#3 - It's great training - 
Do you have kids? No? Great. Wait, some of you do have kids but they're not of age. Even better. This is great training for you. You're going to deal with conflicts. You're not going to have every tool available to you, but you will definitely learn how to have discussions with children that are way above your pay grade. It allows you to facilitate discussion and see what makes the minds of children/high schoolers tick. You'll be thankful when you do.

#4 - You show your family how to serve -
It's always amazing to see a family that serves and wants to serve. It starts with you dad. Serve selflessly with these boys and in your household. Show them that serving the Lord doesn't just stop at the house, but continues into the church and the community.

#5 - There's a need - 
Let's face it, there's a need for males in youth ministry. In many situations there are women leading boys' groups. This isn't a bad thing, but it shows that there's a need for males. Do you remember in school how you thought that teaching was a female only job and then you made it to junior high or high school and saw a male teacher? Relational serving is not a ladies only thing; it's an every member thing.
On the flip side of this you see men serving in multiple capacities which leads to burnout. Do you want one guy doing everything? Do you want the men serving in your child's area of ministry to be giving 50% here and 50% somewhere else or giving his full energy? Men are needed and you're the guy.
Boys see that model and want to reflect it. I had one friend tell me his son's leader was the center of his faith's foundation. How cool is that? Why did it happen? Because a man heard the call and followed.


#6 - It's fun -
Look, my ideal weeknight isn't hanging out with high school boys. Neither is my ideal morning being with 5th and 6th grade boys. I'll tell you what though, they're some of the most amazing people you've ever met. Their stories and their willingness to share with you will amaze you.

If there's a question of, "Should I serve in youth ministry?' then the answer is yes. God wants you to serve, God will equip you if you're willing to put the time out there. You might not need a 13 year old friend, but they need 21-75 year old man to give them time.

Memorial Stones: The Knot

One of my favorite passages in the Bible comes from Joshua 4. The Israelites just finished crossing the Jordan, where God had parted the waters in order for them to pass, and Joshua commands one man from each of the twelve tribes to place a stone in the middle of the Jordan. This was in case their children asked them:
Joshua 4:6b-7
‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”

I love that they honored God to make sure that their kids would know of His amazing grace. This is my version of my own memorial stone. The moment we found out that we were having a child we started praying. We prayed for his health, the nurses, friends, family, almost anything that we could think of. Now that he's here our prayers include thankfulness and excitement, particularly because there's a good chance that he wouldn't have been here. (By the way, the picture here could creep some people out, so scroll past it if you must.)

That's a knot in his umbilical cord. If the knot was tight enough then Nathaniel wouldn't have gotten nutrition, oxygen, and many other essential things. To put it in more blunt terms; he wouldn't have survived. It took several people clearing the room that afternoon for me to be able to express my sincere gratitude and emotion to God for honoring our requests to have a healthy baby. The grace and mercy of the Father to have even given us this gift for a few minutes was amazing, but to see him healthy, able to cry, and ready to feed off of his mother was amazing. I appreciate that He took those worries from me and let me see how He was able to shed grace and mercy on my son. We didn't see it until after the fact, but to not even have that worry was amazing. We are truly blessed to have Nathaniel Nicholas Gaspar with us. He is a living memorial to our Creator. As Proverbs 10:12 would tell us, "Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs." God's love definitely covered and took care of all of us. 

The First Few Days

Here are some snapshots from the birth of our little blessing Nathaniel.