You Are Not the Choice - Part 3 - Separation

It’s weird how your mindset can change. We went from asking questions about how long we would have her to whether we would change her name and her relationship with her birth siblings. The .26 hearing was scheduled for July and after that it would be a formality. We would wait out the appeals and be on our way to be a family of 5 (actually six as Staci was now pregnant and due in October). A .26 hearing is the termination of parental rights, but they don’t terminate rights unless there’s a plan on place for parents. At the hearing I saw grandma with her daughter and mother, but no mom. Dad had long been MIA, and I found out that he had been in an accident. We all sat together cordially and entered the courtroom together. The judge announced that the case would be continued as the mom would be given transportation to the next hearing. It was interesting. This was her fifth child being taken away.

The next hearing was scheduled for 90 days later, September 20^th. This hearing had a different feeling. Grandma, grandpa, and dad were there (The Lord has spoken to him and that's amazing). They continued the case one more time so everyone could get their paperwork right. Also, grandma brought a lawyer to file a 388 (this is to give parental control to family). They continued the case to October 1^st.

Staci went to the October 1^st hearing. I need to save my time for the upcoming baby after all. We had changed our prayers to J staying with us (which seemed obvious) to God’s will. It was a hard prayer to pray. Each night before the court cases I spent as much time as I could with her. She was my other little buddy. 

That court case was an actual hearing. Grandma, grandpa, mom(!), and dad all showed up. Staci was the one who went since I had work and we wanted to save my time for the baby. I will admit I had a funny feeling as we got closer. Why did the court case keep getting continued? Why did dad all of a sudden show up? Why did grandma get a lawyer? The morning began with grandma testifying and her saying some things that we felt were untrue and unflattering towards us. If grandma had been in the picture from day 1 we would have never been in the picture. We would have never been the prospective adoptive parents. Our hearts probably would have realized that every moment was temporary. Court was given a recess at 12:30 until 1:30 when the adoption worker could get there. Staci felt alone, as anyone should with nobody being there to support her. At around 2:30 I started to receive the following texts:

How? How?! HOW?!?!?! This girl bonded to us. She IS our daughter. She is our children's sister. How could God tell us "no"? 

As a husband I felt bad because I couldn't be there with my wife. I couldn't comfort her. I had to go start cross country practice. I didn't really process it on the way home. I went through anger (more cuss words than you know), sadness when I saw J, excitement to see the kids. I slept until about 1 am that night and when I woke up, cried, grieved, and did everything I could. I wound up going back to sleep for about an hour. The next day I had to work and I told our son. He was sad and even asked when she was going to live with her grandma. I don't know how you process those things when you're four, but he has to go through it. I read my Bible and I prayed, but I will admit that I my heart wasn't there. My heart was still frustrated. There was one thing I felt, the transition must happen sooner. 

Staci is due on October 15th. We're a few days away from that. The adoption worker wanted to make a two week transition, but there's one thing that might be selfish of us. We want to have more joy for our new baby than grief for the loss of J. It's like someone died, but I'm watching that person die and not able to tell my heart to stop or that they're going to a "better place." 

So here we are, the transition has happened. Last Wednesday was our last night. I dropped her off last Thursday and she looked at me stoically. I cried, but soon her time with us will be a memory. A happy one though. Dealing with being told that we're not the one when we most definitely felt like we were the one is hard. I've been angry with God, I've been sad, I've felt every emotion. However, God has given us so much that I shouldn't be mad. It's a natural human reaction though. A lot of people told us that they don't want to foster, because they will get attached, but why? We were able to provide this little girl a great Christ centered home throughout these last nine months. Why wouldn't you want to get attached? The foster system is filled with people who don't get attached and those children get neglected. 

What's next? We are praying (and ask that you pray) for us to receive our new baby with joy. Pray that God replaces our grief with joy. Pray for us to be forgiving towards grandma and joyful that J gets to be with her brothers and sisters.  Pray for our kids as they heal and recover from the wound. Pray for me and Staci as we recover from this wound. Pray that we won't seek "fairness". Pray that we would keep our hearts open to foster and adoption. 

You Are Not the Choice - Part 2 - Placement

We received a wonderful and beautiful little girl. She actually looked a little more like me because of her complexion than our biological children. I was in love and cried almost as hard as she did when I first grabbed her. My mind raced with questions, "Why were you taken?" "Have you been held?" "What happened?" I finally calmed myself down and as we went home, I knew that our lives wouldn't be the same. 

The first month mom had a visit. We were both there and it was interesting. She clearly loved her daughter. In May grandma was in the picture. She was getting supervised visits. I instantly thought that our plan was derailed; the state loves reunifying children with their families. Why not? That’s their family. I was so sad and emotional that I backed into our garage door (goodbye $100!). I went to the meeting and she was normal. I asked questions and she told me that she prayed about J and said that she was going to try for it. I knew that this could be the end and started preparing my heart just a little bit for a change. J was in our lives for 5 months at this point and the kids had grown to love her. She was their sister. She was growing. She was starting to do all the things that babies do when they get older. I didn’t know how the love for her would come on, but man it was love at first sight for her and now it felt like she was going to be placed with grandma. We understood that came with the territory, but sometimes a visit can change your perspective.

We went through a fantastic and wonderful agency that helped us every step of the way. Each week we had a visit with our case worker. We also had a monthly visit from a worker in the county where we live. Every month they would stop by, but we had a different visitor from the county in June. This social worker was an adoption worker and she asked Staci a question that threw us for a loop, “How does it feel to be adopting her?”

You Are Not The Choice - Part 1 - Out of Our Comfort Zone

That’s a painful thing to hear. We grow up wanting to be chosen for different aspects of life. We want to be chosen for a team, play, job, spouse, etc. However, as we grow up being told that you’re not the choice is harder. You begin going after things you really want. A little over two years ago I applied for a job that I didn’t get, and it put me in a depressed mood. Eventually I learned that wasn’t God’s will for me and it took me to a district that I didn’t think I had a chance at nor did I want to be there. It turned out to be a great career move for me.

There’s a little thing in there that’s hard for me and that’s God’s will. I always hope that God’s will is going to be something that goes in my favor and truthfully I mainly prayed for my will over His, but something changed. Two years ago I signed my family up to be foster parents, not only foster parents but foster-to-adopt. We had always talked about it, but I finally filled out the application and threw ourselves in. I kept thinking, “If God doesn’t want us to foster or adopt, we won’t receive a call.” We took almost six months to finish the application process, whether it was CPR classes, background checks, livescans (I had to pay for and do two); we just took a long time. We were finally certified in October of 2017, about six months after we started the process.

We saw friends get placements rather quickly, and we were excited for them. However, we kept wondering why we hadn’t been picked? Then, we finally got a call, a sibling set, but they would have to get special permission because we had two children three and under. We were denied, and it stung, but then we got another call. We were placed with a four month old girl who is amazing. She had one visit about a month later with her and then that was it. We didn’t hear from the mom, we heard something about the grandmother, and we didn’t hear from the father. Our hope and goal was to foster to adopt, and it seemed like we were on track. Then we got another call. It was mid-December 2016.