You Are Not the Choice - Part 2 - Placement

We received a wonderful and beautiful little girl. She actually looked a little more like me because of her complexion than our biological children. I was in love and cried almost as hard as she did when I first grabbed her. My mind raced with questions, "Why were you taken?" "Have you been held?" "What happened?" I finally calmed myself down and as we went home, I knew that our lives wouldn't be the same. 

The first month mom had a visit. We were both there and it was interesting. She clearly loved her daughter. In May grandma was in the picture. She was getting supervised visits. I instantly thought that our plan was derailed; the state loves reunifying children with their families. Why not? That’s their family. I was so sad and emotional that I backed into our garage door (goodbye $100!). I went to the meeting and she was normal. I asked questions and she told me that she prayed about J and said that she was going to try for it. I knew that this could be the end and started preparing my heart just a little bit for a change. J was in our lives for 5 months at this point and the kids had grown to love her. She was their sister. She was growing. She was starting to do all the things that babies do when they get older. I didn’t know how the love for her would come on, but man it was love at first sight for her and now it felt like she was going to be placed with grandma. We understood that came with the territory, but sometimes a visit can change your perspective.

We went through a fantastic and wonderful agency that helped us every step of the way. Each week we had a visit with our case worker. We also had a monthly visit from a worker in the county where we live. Every month they would stop by, but we had a different visitor from the county in June. This social worker was an adoption worker and she asked Staci a question that threw us for a loop, “How does it feel to be adopting her?”

You Are Not The Choice - Part 1 - Out of Our Comfort Zone

That’s a painful thing to hear. We grow up wanting to be chosen for different aspects of life. We want to be chosen for a team, play, job, spouse, etc. However, as we grow up being told that you’re not the choice is harder. You begin going after things you really want. A little over two years ago I applied for a job that I didn’t get, and it put me in a depressed mood. Eventually I learned that wasn’t God’s will for me and it took me to a district that I didn’t think I had a chance at nor did I want to be there. It turned out to be a great career move for me.

There’s a little thing in there that’s hard for me and that’s God’s will. I always hope that God’s will is going to be something that goes in my favor and truthfully I mainly prayed for my will over His, but something changed. Two years ago I signed my family up to be foster parents, not only foster parents but foster-to-adopt. We had always talked about it, but I finally filled out the application and threw ourselves in. I kept thinking, “If God doesn’t want us to foster or adopt, we won’t receive a call.” We took almost six months to finish the application process, whether it was CPR classes, background checks, livescans (I had to pay for and do two); we just took a long time. We were finally certified in October of 2017, about six months after we started the process.

We saw friends get placements rather quickly, and we were excited for them. However, we kept wondering why we hadn’t been picked? Then, we finally got a call, a sibling set, but they would have to get special permission because we had two children three and under. We were denied, and it stung, but then we got another call. We were placed with a four month old girl who is amazing. She had one visit about a month later with her and then that was it. We didn’t hear from the mom, we heard something about the grandmother, and we didn’t hear from the father. Our hope and goal was to foster to adopt, and it seemed like we were on track. Then we got another call. It was mid-December 2016.  

Set Free - A little blurb of my Easter story.

Tonight at Easter service the worship band played one of my favorite songs, Set Free. I'll post the lyrics for you here.

Verse 1
Joy, joy, unspeakable joy
Hope like never before
You came for us
You are our freedom

Love, love, unshakeable love
We shall overcome, we will never give up
We lift a shout, we lift a shout
Everyone singing

Chorus
Come on, come on now, we've got a new song
Come on, come on now, a song of liberty
Let the world hear heaven's melody
This is the shout of the hearts You've set free

Verse 2
True, true, we know it's true
We stand now, risen with You
You lifted us
You are our freedom

Strong, strong, whatever may come
You have already won
We lift a shout, we lift a shout
Everyone singing

Bridge
And we'll dance, dance
Dance in Your freedom
Oh, Your glorious freedom
Forevermore, forevermore

This could not be more true for my feelings tonight. The message was about releasing your burdens. I feel completely released. I had this image in my head of shackles holding me to the ground. Bondage really, the sin of my past holding me back from something that could truly be great for the Father. I am trying to break free of this bondage when suddenly I do break free. I break free when Christ comes down to release me from these shackles. The shackles of anxiety, pornography, lust, anger, greed, hypocrisy, and every other sin that I've committed and not let go of because I felt I wasn't good enough for it. No, He released me from that a long time ago; I just finally realized it.

Lastly, Pastor Tom told us one more thing. What would Jesus tell me if He walked through that door? For me, someone who is somewhat of a perfectionist I thought that He would tell me is to spend more time with me. No, He would never do that. I'm already convicted of that by the Spirit. Our God is not condescending, but loving. He took and will continue to take my burdens from me; just like He told me in Matthew. This is the shout of the heart Jesus set free.